Der Einsame an Gott
I am lonely, God, shaken by the storms of fate.
Unloved and abandoned
I struggle in this hostile night.
My heart grows heavy, and grows bitter
each time I think of you.
You are a blind God, full of cruelties,
full of actions we do not understand.
Why do you, you who have the power,
why do you let the monsters and the scoundrels
be happy, while the noble souls
have to endure their ghastly misery?
Why do you torture me who loved you,
chase me into the night alone?
Why do you rob me of everything
while you give freely to every vicious fool?
Rarely I complained to you,
and almost never cursed you.
For years I served you as a faithful priest
and praised you as my Lord and God.
You were the goal and purpose of my life.
I strove for the good and aspired to love.
I pursued compassion and purity as my highest goals
even if I was flailing in the dark.
And yet you never fulfilled a dream of mine,
you never answered any of my prayers.
Instead you graced my enemies with favor after favor.
For me it was always work and struggle
while next door the happy rabble
played guitar and sang and danced.
Oh God, you are my torturer
who threw me to those who mocked and despised me
when my heart reached out tenderly
to blind and loving, trusting hope.
You left me divided, smeared, and in contempt.
I had to flee in shame from women’s scorn.
Now I am lonely and have lost all faith
and walk through this world without God.
My nights are sleepless, my days are dark with dank.
I tear myself in torment, for you a shard of nothing.
Although your brutal hand breaks me with passion,
your fingers, God, dig into my wounds.
Yet you shall not see me giving up, God,
or falling on my knees, or crying out.
Oh merciless God, your most ferocious desire to flay me
cannot flay me from love for you.
All you want from me is to love my life,
to embrace this life devoid of purpose
with wild passion and total surrender.
In spite of all humiliation and oppression
I still know how to love life.
My heart now loves you in spiteful defiance:
You and your mysterious ways.
Yes, I love you, God, and love you with passion
and love this crazy world, so badly ruled by you.
… Listen, God! I hear the laughter and weeping
of the revelers who are my neighbors.
I hear women shriek and silver goblets clink
but my unlucky, starving heart
beats for a much deeper, sweeter mystic passion,
not satisfied with frivolous frills.
I am loving life and all I am.
When my eyes grow weary,
I shake off this weakness with a new fervor,
immerse myself into the night and wind,
breathe in the shining stars and every cloud.
I beg my eager senses to feed my ever-hungry soul.
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