—I did “will” to forgive her, but
forgiveness
lay beyond the will,—
… and I willed
NOT to forgive her:—
for “forgiveness” seems to say
Everything is forgotten, obliterated,—
the past
is as nothing, erased …
Her plea, her need for forgiveness
seemed the attempt to obliterate
the actions, angers, decisions
that MADE ME what I am …
To obliterate the crises, furies, refusals
that are how I
came to understand her, me, my life—.
Truly to feel “forgiveness,”
to forgive her IN MY HEART,
meant erasing ME