Listen then, my friend - because you are still my friend - of course, I'm a simple person, poor and insignificant, only that's not the point (I somehow keep talking about the wrong things, that's because I'm embarrassed, Nastenka), but only I would love you so, I would love you so, that even if you still loved him and continued to love this person whom I don't know, you still would not find my love to be a burden to you in any way. You would only feel, you would only sense at every moment that next to you beats a grateful, grateful heart, an ardent heart, which for your sake... Oh, Nastenka, Nastenka! What have you done to me! ..?
And later, as we were saying goodbye, she gave me her hand and said, looking at me brightly:
'You see, now we'll always be together, isn't that so?" Oh, Nastenka, Nastenka! If only you knew how lonely
I am now!
Today was a sad, rainy day, without a ray of hope, just like my future old age. I am besieged by such strange thoughts, such dark sensations, such obscure questions, which still crowd my mind - and somehow I have neither the strength nor the desire to resolve them. It is not for me to resolve all this!
Indeed, he is prepared to believe at certain moments that all of this life is not the excitement of feelings, not a mirage, not a delusion of the imagination, but that it is, indeed, authentic, genuine, real!
he desires nothing, because he is above desire, because he has everything, because he is sated, because he himself is the artist of his life and he creates it for himself every hour to suit his latest whim.