Nevertheless, my bravery was built on a foundation of fear. Because what really scared me wasn't that people would see I was gay. It was that they would see I was me. Even if they hated me as a gay man - or a Trinity type, or a Protestant, or whatever it might be - that was far, far better than that they should see the real me, who I believed was repulsive, shameful, unlovable. So my sexuality became a tool I used to distract attention away from myself.