He was bitter and cruel, an alcoholic and drug addict who almost killed himself several times. Today he serves a life sentence in prison for the murder of a liquor store cashier who "got in his way." He has two sons, born a mere eleven months apart, one of whom grew up to be "just like Dad": a drug addict who lived by stealing and threatening others until he, too, was put in jail for attempted murder. His brother, however, is a different story: a man who's raising three kids, enjoys his marriage, and appears to be truly happy. As regional manager for a major national concern, he finds his work both challenging and rewarding. He's physically fit, and has no alcohol or drug addictions! How could these two young men have turned out so differently, having grown up in virtually the same environment? Both were asked privately, unbeknownst to the other, "Why has your life turned out this way?" Surprisingly, they both provided the exact same answer: "What else could I have become, having grown up with a father like that?" So often we're seduced into believing that events control our lives and that our environment has shaped who we are today. No greater lie was ever told. It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.
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Çok ilginç değil mi? Peki bu farklı bakış açılarını, aynı duruma verilen farklı tepkileri geliştiren şey ne acaba?
Harlan
Gönderi Sahibi
Başarılı olan da açıkça yaşadığı hayattan nefret ediyordu diğeri de ama bir tanesi şimdisindeki yasadigi öfkeye acıya katlanıp bunu gelecekte kendini mutlu edecegi şeyleri elde etmek için bir motivasyon olarak kullandı, bir daha böyle bir hayatı yaşamak istemiyorum motivasyonu, öteki ise hep şikayet edip yaşadığı hayatı değiştirmek için hiç bir şey yapmadı ve mutluluğunu alkol uyuşturucu gibi short term pleaure kaynaklarından sağladı, öteki ise short term pleasure ı kesip acı ile geleceğini kendi yoğurdu. 2side böyle bir babaya sahip olursam böyle olur tabi dedi ama açıkçası, başarılı olan başarısız olanın görmediklerini düşünmediklerini düşünmüş, ve farkı yaratan da budur diyor yazar.
"The problem is that most of us base our decisions about what to do on what's going to create pain or pleasure in the short term instead of the long term. Yet, in order to succeed, most of the things that we value require us to be able to break through the wall of short-term pain in order to have long-term pleasure. You must put aside the passing moments of terror and temptation, and focus on what's most important in the long term: your values and personal standards. Remember, too, that it's not actual pain that drives us, but our fear that something will lead to pain. And it's not actual pleasure that drives us, but our belief—our sense of certainty—that somehow taking a certain action will lead to pleasure. We're not driven by the reality, **but by our perception of reality. "
Başarısı olanı başarısızlığa iten babası değil (not reality) babasının aksiyonlarının onda verdiği tepki idi.(our perception of reality) Ayni şey başarılı olan icin de geçerli.
Kişide tanıdık olunan şeyleri yapmak bir çeşit zevk yaratıyor, bu gerçek bir zevk değildir diyor, daha çok onu yaptığımız da zevk alacağımızı "düşündüğümüz, kendimizi inandirdigimiz" bir ceşit zevktir. Yeni şeyleri ise yapmaya ise korkarız, çekiniriz diyor. Çünkü eski alışkanlıklarımızdan çıkıp yenilerini edinmeyi aklımıza getirdiğimizde genelde bir 'şuankinden daha kötü olacak her şey' önyargısı hasıl olur ister istemez. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know" Tanımadığı problemden ise tanıdığı problemle karşı karşıya kalmak istiyor kişi, zira tanıdık problemi defalarca çözmekten gelen bir kısmi rahatlık söz konusu oluyor. Ve bu rahatlık da bir çeşit comfort zone yaratıyor kişi de bundan dışarı cikmak istemiyor.
Bu başarılı olanın bakış açısı idi.(perception)
"If we want to have art intimate relationship, then we have to overcome our fears of rejection and vulnerability. If we're planning to go into business, we must be willing to overcome our fear of losing security to make that happen. In fact, most of the things that are valuable in our lives require us to go against the basic conditioning of our nervous systems. We must manage our fears by overriding this preconditiotioned set of responses and, in many cases, we must transform that fear into power."
"Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally10 save their lives. Some people have taken the pain of their past and said, "Because of this, I will help others. Because I was raped11, no one else will be harmed again." Or, "Because I lost my son or daughter, I will make a difference in the world." It's not something they wanted to believe, but rather, adopting this type of belief was a necessity for them to be able to pick up the pieces and move on to live empowering lives. We all have the capacity to create meanings that empower us, but so many of us never tap into it, or even recognize it. If we don't adopt the faith that there is a reason for the unexplainable tragedies of life, then we begin to destroy our capacity to truly live. The need to be able to create a meaning out of life's most painful experiences was observed by psychiatrist Viktor Franki as he and other Holocaust victims survived the horrors of Auschwitz and other concentration camps. Franki noted that those special few who were able to make it through this "hell on earth" shared one thing in common: they were able to endure and transform their experience by finding an empowering meaning for their pain. They developed the belief that because they suffered and survived,"
Bu da başarısız olanın bakış açısı;
"Many times, the fear that we are allowing to control us never becomes reality anyway. It's possible for people to link pain, for example, to flying in an airplane, while there's no logical reason for the phobia. They're responding to a painful experience in their past or even an imagined future. They may have read in the papers about airplane accidents, and now they avoid getting on planes: they're allowing that fear to control them. We must make sure that we live our lives in the present and respond to things that are real, not to our fears of what once was or what might someday be. The key thing to remember is that we don't move away from real pain; we move away from what we believe will lead to pain.