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When I was young, I used to huff and puff without knowing what I wanted. I used to wander the streets under the rain. I used to long for places I didn't know and found the places I lived boring. I used to attribute pains that I had not experienced to myself. Gradually, I learned to be happy with whatever was closest to me, whatever was in my hand. If I drank water, I started to live by enjoying the water, if I drank wine, by the wine, and when I fell in love, I started to enjoy the love felt more than what the woman I loved gave me.
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Picture something like a piece of paper, a torn poster. On the street, here and there, blown away by the wind. It was like I was like that with Ayla. It's like I can't touch the ground with my feet. It's like it's being hit and thrown around. Why do some loves always have a burning smell? Is the water always turbulent? It's like a person is a tiny boat. He keeps rocking on the waves thinking, "I'm sinking, I'm going to sink, I'm drowning, I'm going to drown."
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We are like this, both you and me. When we say "I wish", we are loaded with memories. Actually, as you said, there is no use or meaning in saying it before. Even though we know it's not the case, we still say it before. One has to make some mistakes to say "I wish". We always say "I wish" when we hear that it is impossible to go back after committing all the mistakes. But isn't this a kind of purification, a readiness to return?
İstanbul’un kalabalığına karışıp sabahtan akşama kadar özlemini çektiği sokaklarda başıboş dolaşıyordu. Kimsenin gözüne batmadan, tanınıp bilinmeden büyük bir kentin kaldırımlarında yaşamanın doyulmaz bir tadı vardı.