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I don’t even have to look at them to know what they’re thinking. But knowing how they feel only makes me more determined to live a very long life.
I will give no one the satisfaction of my death.
Sometimes I’m just so tired of this life.
"Sir, please, can you hear me—”
“I’ve been shot, Delalieu,” I manage to say. I open my eyes. Look into his watery ones. “I haven’t gone deaf.”
A̶m̶ I̶ i̶n̶s̶a̶n̶e̶ y̶e̶t̶?
H̶a̶s̶ i̶t̶ h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶e̶d̶ y̶e̶t̶?
H̶o̶w̶ w̶i̶l̶l̶ I̶ e̶v̶e̶r̶ k̶n̶o̶w̶?
This pen is my only outlet, my only voice, because I have no one else to speak to, no mind but my own to drown in and all the lifeboats are taken and all the life preservers are broken and I don’t know how to swim I can’t swim I can’t swim and it’s getting so hard. It’s getting so hard. It’s like there are a million screams caught inside of my chest but I have to keep them all in because what’s the point of screaming if you’ll never be heard and no one will ever hear me in here. No one will ever hear me again.
And then one day, she stood up in her cell and walked over to the window. It was early morning, just as the sun was rising I caught a glimpse of her face for the very first time. She pressed her palm to the window and whispered two words, just once.
Forgive me.
I hit rewind too many times.
I watched the unassuming outline of this girl I could not see and did not know, and I felt an unbelievable amount of respect her. I admired her, envied her composure -her steadiness in the face of all she’d been forced to endure. I don’t know that I understood what it was exactly, I was feeling at the time, but I knew I wanted her all to myself.
I wanted to know her secrets.
The drawers in my mind are rattling to break open. Memories. Theories. Whispers and sensations.
I shove them off a cliff.
“I do not drink caffeine, Delalieu. Why do you always insist on having it served at my meals?”
“I suppose I always hope you will change your mind, sir.”
“Why? I am perfectly capable of keeping my eyes open. Only an idiot would rely on the energy of a bean or a leaf to stay awake throughout the day.”
I allowed myself to believe she’d seen a future for us; that she wanted to be with me and simply thought it impossible.