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Remember when we were young? There was only Nivea. Life was so simple.
Alcoholic parents are so confusing. They’re your parents, so you love them; but they’re drunks, so you hate them. But you love them. But you hate them. They have moments when they’re still the people you grew up idolizing; they have moments when you can’t imagine they were ever anything but monsters.
We’re lost. We hate being lost. I hate being lost, he hates being lost, and our marriage hates being lost. On the other hand, I have to admit, we’re getting used to it.
Whatever’s gone is hopelessly gone. And what’s new doesn’t stick.
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
Sometimes I think that not having to worry about your hair anymore is the secret upside of death.
Things People Have a Shocking Capacity to Be Surprised by Over and Over Again
Men cheat.
Freedom of the press belongs to the man who owns one.
Beautiful young women sometimes marry ugly, old rich men.
You can never know the truth of anyone’s marriage, including your own.
Everybody lies.
People look like their dogs.
At this moment, some of the things I’m refusing to know anything about include:
The former Soviet republics
The Kardashians
Twitter
All Housewives, Survivors, American Idols, and Bachelors
Karzai’s brother
Soccer
Monkfish
Jay-Z
Every drink invented since the Cosmopolitan
Especially the drink made with crushed mint leaves. You know the one.
Parenting meant playing Mozart CDs while you were pregnant, doing without the epidural, and breast-feeding your child until it was old enough to unbutton your blouse. Parenting began with the assumption that your baby was a lump of clay that could be molded (through hard work, input, and positive reinforcement) into a perfect person who would someday be admitted to the college of your choice. Parenting was not simply about raising a child, it was about transforming a child, force-feeding it like a foie gras goose, altering, modifying, modulating, manipulating, smoothing out, improving.