So I have to keep remembering that Warner and I are 2
different words.
We are synonyms but not the same.
Synonyms know each other like old colleagues, like a set of friends who’ve seen the world together. They swap stories, reminisce about their origins and forget that though they are similar, they are entirely different, and though they share a certain set of attributes, one can never be the other. Because a quiet night is not the same as a silent one, a firm man is not the same as a steady one, and a bright light is not the same as a brilliant one because the way they wedge themselves into a sentence changes everything.
They are not the same.
I clung to something like hope, to a thread of maybes and possiblys and perhapses. But I should’ve listened when my parents told me that things like me aren’t allowed to have dreams.
Things like me are better off destroyed, is what my mother said to me.
I almost forget that she still hates me, despite how hard I’ve fallen for her. And I’ve fallen. So hard. I’ve hit the ground. Gone right through it. Never in my life have I felt this. Nothing like this. I’ve felt shame and cowardice, weakness and strength. I’ve known terror and indifference, self-hate and general disgust. I’ve seen things that cannot be unseen.
And yet I’ve known nothing like this terrible, horrible, paralyzing feeling. I feel crippled. Desperate and out of
control. And it keeps getting worse.
Every day I feel sick.
Empty and somehow aching.
Love is a heartless bastard.
I’m driving myself insane.