Anger seems like a grief basic. But even more strange was the realization that I didn't feel angry. I still don't feel angry, though I wish I did, because anger seems preferable to what I've been feeling-namely fear: that the grief will paralyze me, that I'm doing something wrong, that I'll let people down, that I'm not okay. Maybe I don't have the self-esteem to feel angry.
Often, I back down from these arguments. Conflict makes me feel suicidal, in no uncertain terms. I want to shrink away and die and never have the experience of a negative emotion again.