Diyora Rakhmanova
@Diyorik
Şu anda okuduğu kitaplar
Other people do find a way to live in relative peace with colliding intimacy needs. How do they manage? They come to terms with the fact that when it comes to certain aspects of the relation-ship will be lower than that of people who don't experience such
battles. But it will also be higher than that of people who choose
to relive these fights day in and day out without ever accepting
that they are about fundamental differences that aren't going to
go away.
If, however, you're in a relatively new or uncommitted relationship and are already experiencing a lot of intimacy collisions, we advise you to think long and hard about whether you want to
make so many concessions in order to be with this person.
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At least on the surface, the avoidant partner gets hurt les,
because withdrawal is a one-sided move that doesn't necessitate
cooperation from your partner. However, although seemingly un-
perturbed, an important lesson to be learned is that indifference
does not connote security.
One of the most important benefits of this insight has to
with your self-perception. Intimacy clashes are very destructive for
the non-avoidant partner, who is constantly being pushed away by
the avoidant partner. We can see this happening in the examples
we cite throughout the book, in behaviors such as maintaining a
high degree of secrecy and then blaming the other person of being
jealous and needy, in preferring separate beds, and in finding ways
to spend less time together/If you are with an avoidant partner,
you are constantly being rejected and rebuffed. After experiencing
these distancing strategies for a while, you start to blame yourself
You may believe that if your partner was with someone else, s/hed
act differently; that with another s/hed surely want to be closer
than with you. You begin to feel unattractive and inadequate.
Another problem with self-reliance is the "self" part. It forces
you to ignore the needs of your partner and concentrate only on your own needs, shortchanging one of the most most rewarding human experiences: It prevents you (and the person you love)
from the joy of feeling part of something bigger than yourself.)
They feel a deep-rooted aloneness, even while in a relationship. Whereas people with a secure attachment style find
it easy to accept their partners, flaws and all, to depend on them,
and to believe that they're special and unique for avoidant people such a stance is a major life challenge. If you're avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route. Feeling close and complete with
someone else,emotional equivalent of finding a home is a condition that you find difficult to accept.