ezgi
@ewzgi
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Haziran 2022 tarihinde katıldı
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Puan vermedi·320 syf.·
3 günde okudu
·2025 3. kitabı
It’s so annoying, eating-disorder brain. Anytime I’m having a conversation with someone over a meal, there’s another conversation happening internally- judgments and criticisms and self-loathing that press on me with such severity. They’re a brutal distraction. I can never be present with whoever I’m with. My focus is always more on the food than the person.
And it’s not that I don’t understand this. I do. I very much understand the need to numb out everything in your life. But I’m not numbing out anymore. And maybe that’s the problem here, for us at least. I’m making strides in my bulimia recovery. I’m no longer abusing my body to nearly the extent that I used to. I’m trying every day to face myself. The results vary, but the attempts are consistent.
These ten pounds are the first thing I notice when I wake up in the morning, the last thing I notice when my head hits the pillow at night, and the thing that I most often notice throughout the course of any given day. I’m obsessed with these ten pounds. Tortured by them. I don’t understand. Why won’t my body do what I want it to do? Why won’t bulimia help me out anymore? I thought we were friends. I thought bulimia had my back. Clearly it doesn’t. Clearly I had this whole relationship wrong. Yet I can’t seem to get out of it. I feel stuck to, enslaved by, codependent with my bulimia.