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Remember when we were young? There was only Nivea. Life was so simple.
We’re lost. We hate being lost. I hate being lost, he hates being lost, and our marriage hates being lost. On the other hand, I have to admit, we’re getting used to it.
Alcoholic parents are so confusing. They’re your parents, so you love them; but they’re drunks, so you hate them. But you love them. But you hate them. They have moments when they’re still the people you grew up idolizing; they have moments when you can’t imagine they were ever anything but monsters.
Sometimes I think that not having to worry about your hair anymore is the secret upside of death.
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
Whatever’s gone is hopelessly gone. And what’s new doesn’t stick.
Never mind the money. This, after all, is not a story about money. It’s a story about love. And all stories about love begin with a certain amount of rationalization.
Your children have had everything you could give—everything and more, if you count the sneakers. You love them wildly, way more than your parents loved you. And yet they seem to have turned out exactly the way adolescents have always turned out. Only worse. How did this happen? What did you do wrong?
At this moment, some of the things I’m refusing to know anything about include:
The former Soviet republics
The Kardashians
Twitter
All Housewives, Survivors, American Idols, and Bachelors
Karzai’s brother
Soccer
Monkfish
Jay-Z
Every drink invented since the Cosmopolitan
Especially the drink made with crushed mint leaves. You know the one.
Things People Have a Shocking Capacity to Be Surprised by Over and Over Again
Men cheat.
Freedom of the press belongs to the man who owns one.
Beautiful young women sometimes marry ugly, old rich men.
You can never know the truth of anyone’s marriage, including your own.
Everybody lies.
People look like their dogs.
Let’s not be morbid.
Let’s put little smiley faces on our faces.
LOL.
Eat, drink, and be merry.
Seize the day.
Life goes on.
It could be worse.
And the ever popular “Consider the alternative.”
And meanwhile, here we are.
What is to be done?
I don’t know.
Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.
Adolescence is for parents, not for adolescents.
Parenting meant playing Mozart CDs while you were pregnant, doing without the epidural, and breast-feeding your child until it was old enough to unbutton your blouse. Parenting began with the assumption that your baby was a lump of clay that could be molded (through hard work, input, and positive reinforcement) into a perfect person who would someday be admitted to the college of your choice. Parenting was not simply about raising a child, it was about transforming a child, force-feeding it like a foie gras goose, altering, modifying, modulating, manipulating, smoothing out, improving.