And it was strange to know myself and be so certain when I’d spent so long not knowing myself—never really being allowed to discover who I was, what I might like or dislike, what I’d want or need. But I knew now.
I had known the moment I asked him to stay. I knew what the consequences could be. I knew what I was, and what was expected of me, and I knew I could no longer be that. It wasn’t what I wanted in life. It had never been my choice.
But this…this I wanted.
Hawke was who I wanted.
This was my choice.
I was reclaiming my life, and it had started long before him. When I demanded to be taught how to fight, and when I made Vikter include me when he went out to help the cursed. Those were significant steps, but there had been smaller ones along the way. In a way, they were even more important. I’d been changing, evolving just like the gift I was forbidden to wield but remained determined to use. It was in every adventure and risk I took. It was in my desire to experience what I’d been told was not for me.
That was why I’d initially stayed in the room at the Red Pearl with Hawke.
It was the way I’d met the Duke’s stare and smiled at him when I’d been unveiled.
It was when I’d spoke to Loren for the first time, and when I went out to the Rise. My evolution kept me quiet as the Duke delivered his lessons, and when I sliced Lord Mazeen’s arm and hand and head from his body, I’d been cutting through the chains I never chose to wear. I just hadn’t realized it then. There were so many little steps over the years and especially in recent weeks. I didn’t know when it had finally happened, but I knew one thing for certain.
Hawke wasn’t the catalyst.
He was the reward.
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"Sen benim evimsin Gülfem, şu tenin..." derken elini boynumda dolandırdı. "Her karışını ezbere bildiğim, başkasının el sürmesine dahi izin vermeyeceğim vatanım. Benim tüm savaşlarım sana, senin uğruna. Sen buraya girdiğinden beri...." dedi elimi kalbinin üzerine koyarak. Avuçlarımın altında güçlü şekilde atan kalbini oldukça net hissettim. "Başkasına böyle attıysa namerdim," dedi erkeksi gür se siyle, "Bu can ki bu canana böylesine teslimken, buralar hep senin..." Sıcacık elini buz gibi elimin üstüne biraz daha bastırdı. "Sen benim."
"Senelerce sana olan hasretimi bir bilsen Gülfem..." dedi iç çeker gibi. "Katlandığım şeyleri bir bilsen..." dedi alnını alnıma yaslayarak. Bilmek istedim, onun tarafını öylesine merak ediyordum ki... "Şimdi öylesine korkuyorum ki gidersen diye. Biri aklını çeler diye. Bundan sonra herkese sınırların olsun bana sınırsız ol istiyorum,"