Hakan
@hakanderin
Prius te ipsum, deinde cetera.
193 okur puanı
Kasım 2017 tarihinde katıldı
Şu anda okuduğu kitap
Children's sense of security, trust in the world, interrelationships with others, and, above all, connection to their authentic emotions hinge on the consistent availability of attuned, non-stressed, and emotionally reliable care-givers. The more stressed or distracted the latter, the shakier the emotional architecture of the child's mind will be.
If that sounds like an indictment of parents, that's the farthest from my intention. At the risk of being overly repetitious, let me state again that parent-blaming isn't only cruel and unfair; it's nonsensical. Suffice it for now to say that the quality of early caregiving is heavily, even decisively, determined by the societal context in which it takes place. As we will see, children are increasingly set upon by an accumulation of potent influences -social, economic, and cultural- that overwhelm and, in many ways, subjugate their internal emotional apparatus to imperatives that have nothing to do with well-being; that are, in fact, inimical to the healthy growth of the mind. "Such growth is becoming seriously endangered by modern institutions and social patterns," according to Dr. Greenspan.
Reklam
Research has shown beyond any doubt that early experience molds behaviors, emotional patterns, unconscious beliefs, learning styles, relational dynamics, and the ability to handle stress and regulate ourselves.
There is a tendency in this culture, whether with approval or dismay, to see people as inherently aggressive, acquisitive, and ruggedly individualistic. We might cherish kindness, charity, and community-mindedness -our "better natures," so to speak- but these are often spoken of wistfully, as exceptions to a hardwired rule.
It is sobering to realize that many of the personality traits we have come to believe are us, and perhaps even take pride in, actually bear the scars of where we lost connection to ourselves, way back when. The sources of these scars are most often evident in their shape, so to speak: in many cases, specific traits can be traced to particular kinds of wounding. For example, if we don't receive the agenda-free, unconditional attention we all require, one way to guard against that deprivation is to become concerned with physical attractiveness or other attention-getting attributes or accomplishments. A child who does not experience himself as consistently and unconditionally lovable may well grow to be preternaturally likable or charming, as with many a politician or media personality. Someone who is not valued or recognized for who she is early in life may develop an outsize appetite for status or wealth. If we are not made to feel important for just who we are, we may seek significance by becoming compulsive helpers -a syndrome I know intimately.
Children often receive the message that certain parts of them are acceptable while others are not -a dichotomy that, if internalized, leads ineluctably to a split in one's sense of self. The statement "Good children don't yell," spoken with annoyance, carries an unintended but most effective threat: "Angry children don't get loved." Being "nice" (read: burying one's anger) and working to be acceptable to the parent may become a child's way of survival. Or a child may internalize the idea that "I'm lovable only when I'm doing things well," setting herself up for a life of perfectionism and rigid role identification, cut off from the vulnerable part of herself that needs to know there is room to fail-or even to just be unspectacularly ordinary- and still get the love she needs.
Reklam