Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries
Emotional First Aid
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Humans are social animals; being rejected from our tribe or social group in our precivilized past would have meant losing access to food, protection, and mating partners, making it extremely difficult to survive. Being ostracized would have been akin to receiving a death sentence. Because the consequences of ostracism were so extreme, our brains developed an early-warning system to alert us when we were at risk for being "voted off the island" by triggering sharp pain whenever we experienced even a hint of social rejection.
In fact, brain scans show that the very same brain regions get activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. Remarkably, the two systems are so tightly linked that when scientists gave people acetaminophen (Tylenol) before putting them through the dastardly ball-tossing rejection experiment, they reported significantly less emotional pain than people who were not given a pain reliever.
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Sometimes our social groups recognize we've outgrown them even before we do.
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Rejection Treatment A: Argue with Self-Criticism
Rejection Treatment B: Revive Your Self-Worth
Rejection Treatment C: Replenish Feelings of Social Connection
Rejection Treatment D: Desensitize Yourself
I once had a male patient in his twenties whose fear of rejection made him hesitant to approach women, and I gave him the task of asking out nine women in one weekend. He had plans to attend three different social events, and I promised him that if he approached three women per event, by the time he got to the third (a birthday party for a work colleague) he would feel very differently about the prospect of getting turned down. Interestingly, merely agreeing to the challenge had an immediate impact on him. (...) Desensitization can be an effective technique for reducing the emotional impact of rejections but it should be used both sparingly and wisely. (...) The most important aspect is to concentrate our efforts into a limited time frame, as spreading out the task over time dilutes it and renders it ineffective.
One study tracked the spread of loneliness within social networks over time and found that loneliness spreads through a clear contagion process: individuals who had contact with lonely people at the start of the study were more likely to become lonely themselves by the end of it. Further, the virulence of the contagion depended on the degree of closeness between the lonely and nonlonely person. The closer nonlonely individuals were to a lonely person the more virulent the effect of the contagion and the lonelier they became later on.
Loneliness also causes us to evaluate others more harshly and to perceive our interactions with friends and loved ones more negatively than we would if we were not lonely.
Understanding a person's needs and feelings from his or her perspective is vital for creating and sustaining close friendships and emotional intimacy. When these relationship muscles are weak, we overlook crucial information about how the other person thinks and feels and our efforts often fail.
Loneliness Treatment A: Remove Your Negatively Tinted Glasses
Loneliness makes us constantly on guard, prepared for the disappointment and rejection we are sure will come. As a result, we miss opportunities to make social connections and we behave in ways that push others away. In order to challenge these distorted perceptions and avoid acting
Loneliness Treatment B: Identify Your Self-Defeating Behaviors
Loneliness makes us approach people with caution and suspicion, and our hesitancy usually comes across loud and clear to others, prompting them to retreat from our bad vibe. We then feel crushed and conclude we were right to be suspicious and cautious in the first place. The fact
Loneliness Treatment C: Take the Other Person's Perspective
1. Failing to Engage Our Perspective-taking Muscles When We Should
2. We Favor Our Own Point of View
3. We Consider the Wrong Information