The Course of Love
Alain de BottonSözler ve Alıntılar
We believe we are seeking happiness in love, but what we are really after is familiarity. We are looking to re-create, within our adult relation-ships, the very feelings we knew so well in childhood - and which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care. The love most of us will have tasted early on came entwined with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent's warmth or scared of his or her anger, or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes.
How logical, then, that we should as adults find oursehes rejecting certain candidates not because they are wrong but because they are a lite too right - in the sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced, mature, understanding and reliable - given that, in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign and unearned. We chase after more exciting others, not in the belief that life with them will be more harmonious, but out of an unconscious sense that it will be reassuringly familiar in its patterns of frustration.
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It is a wonderful thing to live in a world where so many people are nice to children. It would be even better if we lived in one where we were a little nicer to the childlike sides of one another.
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Love is also, and equally, about weakness, about being touched bhy another's fragilities and sorrows, especially when (as happens in the early days) we are ourselves are in no danger of being held responsible for them. Seeing our lover despondent and in crisis, in tears and unable to cope, can reassure us that, for all their virtues, they are not alienatingly invincible. They, too, are at points confused and at sea, a realization which lends us a new supportive role,reduce our sense of shame about our own inadequacies and draws us closer to each other around a shared experience of pain.,
Sayfa 18
I will never be able to do or be everything you want, nor vice versa, but I'd like to think we can be the sort of people who will dare to tell each other who we really are. The alternative is silence and lies, which are the real enemies of love.
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This is another part of her he loves: the weakness of the deeply able and competent person.
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Love means admiration for qualities in the lover that promise to correct our weakness and imbalances, love is a search for completion.
Sayfa 16
proposing has all the passionate allure of shutting one's eyes and jumping off a steep cliff, wishing and trusting that the other will be there to catch one.
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