First Letter
If I whistle a tune at the helm of the ship
And sing on the rain-drenched deck
All that is a pretext to approach you,
Not to forget you, dear love.
It's only after you're gone that men
Will realize the lies they were taught.
Only after you're gone
We understand how empty all things are.
Cups are full only when you are with me
Wines are blessed only with you
Cigarettes fume only with you
Fireplaces crackle only with you
Meals are meals only with you.
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“Tell me, baby. What does drowning sound like?”
“Like the first breath of air after being trapped underwater. It's a sound of both pain and relief. Of desperation and desire. When you’ve gone so long without oxygen, that first breath is the only thing that makes sense, and your body takes it in without permission.”
“Isn’t it the most exquisitely painful thing you’ve ever felt?” I jerk her head closer, wringing another gasp that skitters across my lips. “You’re mine, Adeline,” I growl. “I don’t care if we're reincarnated or not. Here and now, this is fucking real. And in this lifetime, you are mine.”
H. Finch
You asked me to teach you chess, and I've done that. It's a useful mental exercise. And through the years, many thinkers have been fascinated by it. But I don't enjoy playing. Do you know why not? Because it was a game that was born during a brutal age when life counted for little and everyone believed that some people were worth more than others. Kings and pawns. I don't think that anyone is worth more than anyone else. I don't envy you the decisions you're gonna have to make. And one day I'll be gone and you'll have no one to talk to. But if you remember nothing else, please remember this chess is just a game. Real people aren't pieces. And you can't assign more value to some of them than to others. Not to me. Not to anyone. People are not a thing that you can sacrifice. The lesson is that anyone who looks on the world as if it was a game of chess, deserves to lose.
just when i think you're gone, hear our song on the radio. just like that, takes me back to the places we used to go.
Ty,
I've thought so many times about what I would say to you if you reappeared suddenly. If I was walking along the street and you popped out of thin air, walking along beside me like you always used to, with your hands in your pockets and your head tilted back.
Mom used to say you walked celestially, looking upat the sky as if you were scanning the clouds for angels. Do you remember that?
In your world I am ashes, I am ancestors, my memories and hopes and dreams have gone to build the City of Bones. In your world, I am lucky, because I do not have to live in a world without you. But in this world, I am you. I am the twinless twin. So I can tell you this:
When your twin leaves the earth you live on, it never turns the same way again: the weight of their soul is gone, and everything is off balance. The world rocks under your feet like an unquiet sea. I can't tell you it gets easier. But it does get steadier; you learn how to live with the new rocking of the new earth, the way sailors gain sea legs. You learn. I promise.
I know you're not exactly the Ty I had in this world, my brilliant, beautiful brother. But I know from Julian that you are beautiful and brilliant too. I know that you are loved. I hope that you are happy. Please be happy. You deserve it so much.
I want to ask if you remember the way we used to whisper words to each other in the dark: star, twin, glass. But I'll never know your answer. So I'll whisper to myself as I fold this letter up and slide it into the envelope, hoping against hope it will somehow reach you. I whisper your name, Ty. I whisper the most important thing:
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Livvy
*TALKİNG TO THE MOON*
I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back, I want you back
My neighbors think I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I had, you're all I had
At night, when the stars light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the moon
Trying to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me, too
Or am I a
and once you're gone you can never come back
when you're out of the blue and into the black..