Fantasies like this, fantasies of disaster, of annihilation, being over-whelmed, dissolving, were not uncommon. Strange as it may sound, they can actually be an attempt to find relief. As I say, it's counterintuitive. But if you think about it. In the face of a natural disaster, for instance, your own situation becomes insignificant. Your responsibility to act, your being as a person even, all of that is lifted from you. That's an attractive idea for some people. Hence these fantasies.
and it struck him therefore that to love someone meant to be opened to a radically heightened level of suffering. He said I love you to his wife and it felt like a curse.