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To cope with these feelings of loneliness, worry, and alienation, some of us fill our calendars with social events and our phones with mobile communication apps to help us feel more connected to oth- ers. Or, we may throw ourselves into our work to combat our sense of isolation, or escape into yet another Netflix show or social media rabbit hole. We may make small adjustments, like leaving a radio or TV on at home all day to keep us company, or big ones, like chasing personal and professional accomplishments to fill the void when others let us down.
But often, these solutions miss the mark. We can be in a room full of people and still feel utterly alone. We can spend all day on Zoom video calls or sending WhatsApp messages and end up feel- ing more disconnected than when we started. Investing our energy in getting that next promotion may make us feel impressive, but no number of accolades can make us feel truly heard. And while pour- ing ourselves into busywork, giving in to vices, or succumbing to mindless scrolling online may numb our experience, such strate- gies won't actually improve it. Hardly anyone would claim to have happy, meaningful relationships as a result of these tactics, because they don't address the real issue.
That's because the root cause of these feelings runs deeper than we may realize or want to admit as social beings, each of us holds within us an eternal yearning for connection and a deep desire to be heard.
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The effect of overrracting Imagination
Psychologists call this practice labeling or naming: we specify the emotion we are feeling in order to more effectively manage it. When we articulate what is happening, we give ourselves a choice in how to respond. This technique is especially effective when what is preyenting us from staying present is the intensity of our emo- tions. If, for instance, we find ourselves in a stressful situation, tell- ing ourselves things like "This is my anxiety speaking" or "I am having a strong reaction to what's happening" can help us return to the present. Labeling emotions can provide clarity in the moment (That's my fear rearing its ugly head.) and control (This fear comes from my overactive imagination and I don't need to pay it mind right ong pro now.). This process helps us gain distance from what we are feeling and regulate our emotions in real time.¹
You can employ labeling not just for managing strong emotions in the moment, like when we are in the face of anxiety, but also for managing thoughts that are rote, neutral, or nonemotionaly
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That's why it's so important to align our listening expectations and habits to what our conversation partner needs at that moment. Once we do, we can move in lockstep together: We know when it's time to celebrate our direct report's progress, not point out what's still left to be done. We understand when it's more important to quietly listen as our sibling describes a stressful day, rather than come up with a plan to relieve their stress or talk about our own. We sense when our roommate needs comfort, and when it would be better to leave them alone. We intuit when a sense of humor is called for in a tense meeting, and when empathy is what's needed to keep the group together. Over time, the more successful es changes we have, the stronger our relationships become.
To be a more effective listener, we must understand our default listening mode, uncover what our conversation partner needs from
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Though it can be useful to set an intention and even devise a plan to get there, when we stick to these too strictly, we often miss the signs that change is called for. When we aren't flexible, we run the risk of misinterpreting others, discouraging them from shar- ing more, or missing the chance to evolve our thinking for the better.
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Empathetic listening takes work, but if we're not careful, in our attempts to take care of others we can forget to take care of our- selves. When this happens, we become tired, burned out, and no longer capable of connecting or listening with empathy. By manag- ing our listening drain and giving ourselves opportunities to re- cover, we can start feeling better and connect once more. Only when we feel recharged and steady in ourselves can we truly make space for others.
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Over the years, I've learned that instead of forcing myself to keep going, I can be honest and clear about when I need to end the conversation. We've been together long enough that I can say, "I want to keep talking about this, but I need to hit pause. I'm not thinking clearly anymore."
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