İrem
@meriyl
48 okur puanı
Ağustos 2020 tarihinde katıldı
Şu anda okuduğu kitaplar
Okuma Hedefleri
“I don’t want to wake up when I’m seventy-four only to realize I haven’t lived.”
Okur Takip Önerileri
Please know that no matter what you’ve been told to believe about yourself, the toxic kind of love you’ve learned to “accept”, or whatever it is that society has brainwashed you into believing, you are no one’s fucking doormat. You are not a source of energy for others to take. This is your table, you set the standards and you choose who gets a seat. Start turning away people who have the audacity to show up in your life with crumbs, because crumbs can’t feed you. Find someone who brings you a whole cake. Learning how to love yourself, to avoid relying on other people’s validation to make you feel whole, is the key to not settling. You’ve got to learn to make the cake yourself. Because when you already have a delicious fucking cake, the idea of someone else’s crumbs and settling for a mediocre love that leaves you starving ceases to be tempting. You must live your life as if no one is ever going to make you a cake. Don’t sit around waiting for someone to give you the cake. Bake it yourself.
When you settle for crumbs it sends a message to that person that that’s all you think you deserve. They know that they can get away with doing the absolute bare minimum to have a seat at your table. That they can come and go as they please– for the price of their mere attention. They’ve become a parasite, and you’re their host.
The moment someone shows the audacity of trying to keep you around for an exchange of crumbs, communicate to them that you want the whole cake (i.e. that you want to be taken out on a proper date/ build a relationship with this person). If they say they can’t give it to you, that they’re not ready to give you the cake, or they promise they can give you the cake at a later date, leave them where they’re at and move the hell on.
You’ll notice most of the “interactions” I have listed occur online. That’s because someone who gives you crumbs doesn’t have any actual time for you IRL. Because, surprise! They don’t value you. It’s hard to hear I know, but they value only what you can do for their own ego. If they do “make time” for you, you can bet it will always be when it suits them. During late hours, when they’re bored, or when the person who makes them work for attention isn’t texting them back. They know they can rely on you to boost them back up. This person will keep throwing you just enough crumbs to make sure they never lose that spot in your life, but not enough to the point of actually spending any of their energy, investing any of their time or reciprocating the energy you give so freely and instinctively to them.
Crumbs are the audaciously small tokens and gestures that people throw us, in order to keep us under the illusion that they deserve a place in our lives– despite bringing very little (or no) value to it. We often allow this kind of behaviour because our low self-esteem leads us to believe that this is the kind of love we deserve, and over time it becomes normalized to us. When we continue to accept crumbs from someone, it enables them to dip back into our lives when they’re bored and treat us like a doormat because technically, no one “closed the door”.
You have set your standards and, by staying single, you’re sticking to them. You have decided that you deserve quality treatment (whatever that means to you) and anything that does not seek to add value to your life doesn’t deserve a place in it. Simple! Knowing what you’d want from a partner, new friend or even your career can be so powerful. Because when situations and people which do not align with what you want and need present themselves, they can be intentionally avoided. They’re just a distraction. Carry on, as you were. “Single” doesn’t mean “waiting for you”.
I deserve better.
We live in a world that profits from our insecurities, and it’s often the patriarchal system that tells us we must settle for love, a kind of love that often lands us in the most emotionally debilitating and coercive relationships . Deciding that you deserve better is radical as hell, because you are actively going against centuries of social brainwashing and oppression; you are telling the world that you see through its bullshit. That you acknowledge it wants you to exist in one way (marry the first man to “sweep you off your feet” and have his kids…), but instead choosing to go your own way and make up your own damn rules. A new person is born in the moment you say to yourself, for the first time, “I deserve better”.
We live in a patriarchal society which prioritizes our desirability above anything and everything else. Which means that… Life is easier when we dress up. Life is easier when we shave. Life is easier when we wear make-up to work. Life is easier when we have made a visible “effort” with our appearance. Life is easier when we reflect society’s idea of beauty. Full stop.