august
@fairecaillen
omnia fui nihil expedit
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Ocak 2019 tarihinde katıldı
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“we might not see each other from now on. so instead of a goodbye kiss, take this.” he winked and slowly raised his middle finger. he wore a soft smile. that was the last time i saw him smile that way. then he disappeared.
and then, tragedy unfolded rapidly.
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“anything will lose its meaning if you repeat it often enough,” she said. “at first you feel you are getting the hang of it, but then as time goes by, you feel like the meaning’s changing and becoming tarnished. then, finally, it gets lost. completely fades to white.”
the worlds of movies, soap operas, or cartoons were already so meticulous that there were no blanks left for me to fill in. these stories on screen existed exactly as they had been filmed and drawn. for example, if a book had the description, “a blond lady sits cross-legged on a brown cushion in a hexagon-shaped house,” a visual adaptation would have everything else decided as well, from her skin tone and expression to even the length of her fingernails. there was nothing left for me to change in that world.
but books were different. they had lots of blanks. blanks between words and even between lines. i could squeeze myself in there and sit, or walk, or scribble down my thoughts. it didn’t matter if i had no idea what the words meant. turning the pages was half the battle.
books took me to places i could never go otherwise. they shared the confessions of people i’d never met and lives i’d never witnessed. the emotions i could never feel, and the events i hadn’t experienced could all be found in those volumes. they were completely different by nature from tv shows or movies.
human beings are a product of their education, after all.
whether i was normal or not made little to no difference. to me, it was as subtle as the differences in the nuance of the words.
luck plays a huge part in all the unfairness of the world. even more than you’d expect.
people sometimes say how cool it’d be to be fearless, but they don’t know what they’re talking about. fear is an instinctive defense mechanism necessary for survival. not knowing fear doesn’t mean that you’re brave; it means you’re stupid enough to stay standing on the road when a car is charging toward you.
“granny, why do people call me weird?”
her lips loosened.
“maybe it’s because you’re special. people just can’t stand it when something is different”
“i know it sounds like an excuse, but neither you nor i nor anyone can ever really know whether a story is happy or tragic.”
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