Trauma can also change a person beyond recognition. Sometimes you look at other people, then look in the mirror, and you feel hollow inside. You think, how did I become like this? I don’t even recognize myself.
Ordinary people pursue things, nothing but houses, cars, careers, love, position, dreams. They’re busy every day, each one of them holding a bellyful of worries and happiness. Their worries are genuine feelings, and their happiness is sincere. They don’t know what ‘inconstancy’ is. They think that today is the same as yesterday is the same as tomorrow. They won’t think, ‘I’m only an ant sitting on a dead leaf floating in the river that can overturn any time.’
But you’re different. You can’t spend your days like that. You’re like a hen that’s had its feathers scared off by a firework and can’t lay eggs anymore.—You look at other people and think that all the things they’re pursuing are illusions. You can’t treat them as real. They can vanish just like that. You have nightmares every day. Your head is full of vain hopes. You’re irritable, worried, anxious for absolutely no reason…
And It doesn’t pass. These things never pass.
"The more someone loved me, the more I got bored of them. Perhaps not bored - they ceased to sparkle in my eyes. I look down on myself so much that I try to gain self-validation through the eyes of others. But because that's not a validation that I am able to accept, there's limit to how satisfying it can be, and I become bored of it. Which is why I go looking for someone else, and ultimately why I think someone liking me cannot in itself satisfy me, I'm devastated if someone I like doesn't like me and devastated when someone does end up loving me; either way, I am looking at myself through the eyes of another. In the end, I'm torturing myself. Because I don't love myself, I am unable to understand those who do love me in spite of it all, and so I test them. Even when the other person forgives me, I am unable to understand their forgiveness, and then when they give up on me, I torture and console myself with the 'fact' that no one could ever love. I don't want any more twisted relationships, and I'm tired of not being able to find satisfaction in the present and being obsessed with the past or having high expectations of new relationships. I have come to a point where I am no longer able to tell the difference between my loving someone and not loving someone I am so tired of myself being lost in the woods all the time with no plan of action, for having so little willpower and being so wishy-washy. What do I wish for? I want to love and be loved. Without suspicion, and with ease, That's it. I don't know how to love or be loved properly, and that's what pains me."
Tell him, Nico di Angelo, said Cupid, voice sounding a lot like someone Nico knew. Tell him that you are a coward, afraid of yourself and your feelings. Tell him the real reason you left Camp Half-Blood, and why you are always alone.
The word echoed around Nico’s head in that strangely familiar voice: coward, coward, coward. That’s what he was,
Sanırım bunu hiç kimse okumayacak
"I never hated you, Lan. I hated myself, yes, but never you." I release a mock laugh. "You were the half I looked at whenever I needed hope. Seeing you being your unapologetic, confident anarchist self made me believe I'd eventually be okay. You gave me strength, even unknowingly, so you shouldn't apologize. This
'No one should let themselves get used to anything, Eduard. Look at me, I was beginning to enjoy the sun again, the mountains, even life's problems, I was beginning to accept that the meaninglessness of life was no one's fault but mine. I wanted to see the main square in Ljubljana again, to feel hatred and love, despair and tedium, all those simple, foolish things that make up everyday life, but which give pleasure to your existence. If one day I could get out of here, I would allow myself to be mad, because everyone is, indeed, the maddest are the ones who don't know they're mad, but keep repeating what others tell them to. But none of that's possible, do you see? In the same way, you can't spend the whole day waiting for night to come and for one of the patients to play the piano, because soon that will end. My world and yours are about to come to an end.'
Sayfa 86 - VeronikaKitabı okudu
Finally, finally, my casing had really broken and without limit I was. Through not being, I was. To the ends of whatever I was not, I was. Whatever I am not, I am. All shall be within me, if I shall not be; for "I" is just one of the instantaneous spasms of the world. My life does not have a merely human meaning, it is much greater—so
Sayfa 189 - Penguin Modern ClassicsKitabı okudu
There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.
“Yes, he can be an asshole sometimes, but he’s still human. He needs love and care like anyone else,” I said, feeling protective of Alex even though he was the last person on earth who needed protection. “As for the relationship part, there’s a first time for everything. He’s been…” I swallowed hard. “You have no idea how much he’s helped me these past few months. He was there for everything. The nightmares, the panic attacks…he taught me how to swim. Swim, Josh. He helped me get over my fear of water, at least a little bit, and he was so patient the entire time. But beyond how much he’s helped me, he’s smart and funny and wonderful. He makes me laugh and believe in myself, more than anyone else ever has. And he may not show it to the world, but he does have a heart. A beautiful one.”
