İnsanların yaptığı ve söylediği şeyler özellikle sevimsizse, kişisel olarak alma eğiliminden sıyrılmaya çalışmalısınız. Sizi eleştirmeleri ya da sizin çıkarlarınıza karşı davranışları çoğunlukla yeniden yaşadıkları çok derindeki acılarından kaynaklanır; yıllar içinde biriktirdikleri hayal kırıklıklarının ve kırgınlıkların hedefi oluverirsiniz. Eğer insanlara bu açıdan bakarsanız, tepki vermemenin, sinirlenmemenin, önemsiz bir çatışmaya katılmamanın daha kolay olduğunu görürsünüz. Eğer karşınızdaki kişi gerçekten kötü niyetliyse, duygusallaşmayarak en uygun karşı hamleyi planlamak için doğru bir konumda olursunuz. Böylece kendinizi acılar ve kötü duygular biriktirmekten korumuş olursunuz.
If what people do and say is particularly unpleasant, you should try to avoid the tendency to take it personally. Their criticism of you or their behaviour against your interests often comes from deep-seated hurts that they are reliving; you become the target of disappointments and resentments that they have accumulated over the years. If you look at people from this point of view, you will find it easier not to react, not to get angry, not to get involved in a petty conflict. If the other person is really malicious, by not getting emotional you are in a good position to plan the most appropriate counter-attack. In this way you protect yourself from accumulating bitterness and bad feelings.
Sayfa 279 - Altın Kitaplar Yayınevi 1. BasımKitabı okuyor
A sociopath feels no guilt. Because of this, he's freed up to do virtually anything without having to pay any internal price for it. A sociopath can say or do anything she wants and not feel bad the next day, or ever. Along with a lack of guilt comes a profound lack of empathy. For the sociopath, other people's feelings are meaningless because she has no ability to feel them. In fact, sociopaths don't really feel anything the way the rest of us do.
Morgan James Publishing
I wondered if he looked so sad because my heart was in my eyes, and in my voice, and he felt bad that he could never return those kinds of feelings, not for me.
“…feelings themselves are not bad, and do not make us a bad person. It’s what we do with them that matters. Do not judge yourself for your feelings. Judge yourself for your actions.”
Bana cinsiyetini söyle sana hangi duygulara sahip olabileceğini söyleyeyim
Unfortunately, society does a pretty bad job of helping people understand their emotions. Although that's improving, the message most men get is that they can be angry or happy-that's it. Women are given the message that they can have every emotion except anger. Both of these restrictions are truly ridiculous. All people experience all emotions to varying degrees. These gender-based emotional scripts or societal rules keep people from achieving full awareness of their feelings.
Sayfa 111
Presumably, remembered suffering never feels as bad as present suffering,
even if it was really a lot worse – we can’t remember how much worse it was, because remembering is weaker than experiencing. Maybe that’s why
middle-aged people always think their thoughts and feelings are more
important than those of young people, because they can only weakly remember the feelings of their youth while allowing their present experiences to dominate their life outlook.
healthy remorse vs. shame |
The difference between healthy remorse and shame is that remorse says, "I did something bad", while shame says, "I am bad". Remorse focuses on a behavior, while shame focuses on the self. Remorse makes you concerned about the feelings of others, while shame makes you only concerned with your own feelings of worthlessness. Shame does not motivate change because it leads to hopelessness. If I believe that I am bad, I will feel powerless to improve things. Thus, shame is highly correlated with things like addiction, depression, violence, and aggression. Shame will make you want to run away from the problem, while remorse will motivate you to fix it.
Spiritually, shame is very dangerous because it makes you want to hide from Allah, rather than seek forgiveness and try again.
One person you lead might say, “Oh no, bad weather, how depressing.” Another person might say, “Oh boy, we have some wonderful refreshing rain!”
Because the rain doesn’t make either person feel anything. (No person, place, or thing can make you feel anything.)
It is the thought about the rain that causes the feelings. And throughout all your leadership adventures, you can teach your people this most important concept: The concept of thought.
One person thinks (just thinks!) the rain is great. The other person thinks (but just thinks) the rain is depressing. Nothing in the world has any meaning until we give it meaning. Nothing in the workplace does either. Your people often look to you for meaning. What does this new directive really mean?
Sayfa 32
Why are we so bad at being honest about our feelings? Is it because we’re so exhausted from living that we don’t have the time to share them?
"I am going to MURDER YOU—”
“No,” he says, pointing at me as he shifts backward again. “Bad Juliette. You don’t like to kill people, remember? You’re against that, remember? You like to talk about feelings and rainbows—"
Another technique with potential for emotion regulation is social sharing, or
venting. Research shows that the open expression of emotions can help individuals to regulate their emotions, as opposed to keeping emotions “bottled up.” Social sharing can reduce anger reactions when people can talk about the facts of a bad situation, their feelings about the situation, or any positive aspects of the situation.
Sayfa 158Kitabı okuyor
“Let me repeat this: Bad feelings like depression, anxiety, guilt, hopelessness, frustration, and anger are often caused by distorted thoughts. When you put the lie to these distorted thoughts, you can CHANGE the way you FEEL.”
"Presumably, remembered suffering never feels as bad as present suffering, even if it was really a lot worse - we cant remember how much worse it was, because remembering is weaker than experiencing. Maybe that's why middle-aged people always think their thoughts and feelings are more important than those of young people, because they can only weakly remember the feelings of their youth while allowing their present experiences to dominate their life outlook."
How can two good people who both have such good intentions end up with feelings, derived from all the goodness, that are so incredibly bad?
“You assume that when it comes to following your “gut instincts,” happiness is “good” and fear and pain are “bad.”
When you consider doing something that you truly love and are invested in, you are going to feel an influx of fear and pain, mostly because it will involve being vulnerable. Bad feelings should not always be interpreted as deterrents. They are also indicators that you are doing something frightening and worthwhile. Not wanting to do something would make you feel indifferent about it. Fear = interest.”
Sayfa 8Kitabı okudu
