• Iris: I know it’s hard to believe people when they say "I know how you feel". But I actually know how you feel. You see, I was seeing someone, back in London. We worked for the same newspaper, and then I found out that he was also seeing another girl, Sarah, from the circulation department on the nineteen floor. Turned out that he wasn’t in love with me like I thought.
    What I am trying to say is I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places that you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new hair cuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends. You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door.
    And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new, and you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.


    Iris: Biliyorum, insanlar “Ne hissettiğini biliyorum” dediğinde inanmak zor gelir. Fakat ben gerçekten ne hissettiğini biliyorum. Londra’da biriyle görüşüyordum. Aynı gazetede çalışıyorduk ve sonra öğrendim ki on dokuzuncu kattaki baskı bölümünde Sarah diye bir kızla da görüşüyormuş. Anlaşılan o ki sandığım gibi bana âşık değilmiş. Söylemeye çalıştığım şey şu ki insanın alçalabileceği en alt seviyede olma hissini anlayabiliyorum. Ve bunun içinde var olduğunu bilmediğin yerleri bile nasıl acıtabileceğini… Kaç defa saçlarını kestirsen de veya spor salonuna yazılsan veya kız arkadaşlarınla kaç bardak Chardonnay içsende… Yine de her gece yatağına yattığında nerede yanlış yaptığına ve nasıl yanlış anlamış olabileceğine dair her detayı tek tek gözden geçirirsin. Ve o kısacık zaman diliminde nasıl mutlu olduğunu düşünebildiğini… Bazen de ışığın yandığını görüp kapıyı çalabileceğine kendini inandırırsın.
    Ve bütün bunlardan sonra, ne kadar uzun sürmüş olursa olsun, yeni bir yerlere gidersin ve seni tekrar değerli hissettiren yeni insanlarla tanışırsın ve ruhunun küçük parçaları sonunda geri döner. Ve tüm o belirsiz şeyler, boşa harcamış olduğun yıllar nihayet solup gitmeye başlar.
  • When we first met in elementary school as kids, he never smiled or laughed. I just thought he didn’t like me. But I eventually realized that most times, people don’t smile because they’re happy, or laugh because they think something’s funny. They do it because they want someone else to like them, or because they don’t know what to say, or because they’re nervous, or because they’re being polite. Oliver James—he’s just too honest with himself to hide behind a smile that isn’t real.
  • "Do you always think this much, Charlie?" "Is that bad?" I just wanted someone to tell me the truth. "Not necessarily. It's just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life." "Is that bad?" "Yes." "I think I participate, though. Don't you think I am?" "Well, are you dancing at these dances?" "I'm not a very good dancer." "Are you going on dates?" "Well, I don't have a car, and even if I did, I can't drive because I'm fifteen, and anyway, I haven't met a girl I like except for Sam, but I am too young for her, and she would always have to drive, which I don't think is fair." Bill smiled and continued asking me questions. Slowly, he got to "problems at home." And I told him about the boy who makes mix tapes hitting my sister because my sister only told me not to tell mom or dad about it, so I figured I could tell Bill. He got this very serious look on his face after I told him, and he said something to me I don't think I will forget this semester or ever. "Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve."
  • t's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
    You almost feel ashamed
    That someone could be that important
    That without them, you feel like nothing
    No one will ever understand how much it hurts
    You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
    And when it's over, and it's gone
    You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
    So that you could have the good
    Yellow diamonds in the light
    Now we’re standing side by side
    As your shadow crosses mine
    What it takes to come alive
    It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny
    But I’ve gotta let it go
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    Shine a light through an open door
    Love a life I will divide
    Turn away 'cause I need you more
    Feel the heartbeat in my mind
    It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny
    But I’ve gotta let it go
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    Yellow diamonds in the light
    Now we’re standing side by side
    As your shadow crosses mine
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
    We found love in a hopeless place
  • In Group, Casper doesn’t like us to say cut or cutting or burn or stab. She says it doesn’t matter what you do or how you do it: it’s all the same. You could drink, slice, do meth, snort coke, burn, cut, stab, slash, rip out your eyelashes, or fuck till you bleed and it’s all the same thing: self-harm. She says: whether someone has hurt you or made you feel bad or unworthy or unclean, rather than taking the rational step of realizing that person is an asshole or a psycho and should be shot or strung up and you should stay the fuck away from them, instead we internalize our abuse and begin to blame and punish ourselves and weirdly, once you start cutting or burning or fucking because you feel so shitty and unworthy, your body starts to release this neat-feeling shit called endorphins and you feel so fucking high the world is like cotton candy at the best and most colorful state fair in the world, only bloody and stuffed with infection. But the fucked-up part is once you start self-harming, you can never not be a creepy freak, because your whole body is now a scarred and charred battlefield and nobody likes that on a girl, nobody will love that, and so all of us, every one, is screwed, inside and out. Wash, rinse, fucking repeat.